1. We the Undersigned demand the immediate conferring of Knighthoods, Damehoods, Priesthoods, GerbilFur-Lined Hoods, unendingly vast fame and fortune, 72 virgins in gimp suits or whatever the Hell floats their boats, frankly, to the scientists who today announced that fried foods aren't actually bad for you, so long as they're fried in olive or sunflower oils.
2. We further demand that all fish and chip shops in the UK now be forced to provide a 'de-caff' option, allowing customers to choose to have their battered sausages fried in traditional three-week-old dark and crusty-bitted lard, or to have them delicately dunked in dew-fresh olive oil for a 'Healthy Fry' option.
3. This 'de-caff grease' option must, in order to avoid the intolerable smugness of chefs and foodies everywhere and the creation of a two-tier dietary state, be no more expensive than the traditional 'fell-off-the-ass-of-a-zebra' lard option. This will necessitate radical action to bring down the price of the 'Healthy' oils.
4. Seriously, do what you have to do. We're not above going to war for cheap olive oil. Operation Popeye, let's go! Get a bunch of Scots Guards together, let's invade the fuck out of Sicily! I mean, obviously, go tooled up, cos we've all seen The Godfather, but still...
Signed: Fat Fucks of The World, Desperately Craving a Guilt-Free Fry-Up.
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