15th March - The Talons of Confucius

It's entirely possible that a wise man once said "Always cut your nails before scratching your own groin. Or anyone else's." Possibly it was that master of universal wisdom, Confucius himself.

Sadly, the wisdom of Confucius is one of those books I've always meant to get round to reading, but never quite have.

Came home from Abergavenny today, and we came gently back to ourselves and our normality, which, for me, meant largely panicking about an editing deadline that was thrown out of whack by Real Life. I had meant to get back on the bike when we got home, but somehow, spending time together seemed infinitely more important.

Then, as the night drew to a close, with promises on my lips to do better tomorrow, I scratched an itch.

Now...this is undoubtedly going to gross out some of you who don't know what I'm talking about. But one of the unparallelled delights of being a fat bugger is a thing we colloquially describe as "flap-sweat". Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like. When you have rolls of fat, they create flaps, and flaps, quite frankly, get sweaty.

I don't know why I'm explaining this really - most of my readers are women, I think, and women know all about flap-sweat - it's what happens when you a) have breasts, and b) are no longer either blessed by perkiness or burdened by silicone. Only it happens wherever bits of body hang over other bits of body. Flap-sweat - not just for breasts any more!

Anyhow, didn't think of an itchy groin as a flap-sweat moment, to be frank, but so it appeared to be. The itch was one of those satisfying affairs that only repaid a good scratching with a kind of tickle that needed further scratching to take care of. I scratched...and scratched...annnnnnnd scratched. And then I went to wash my hand (I'm not a total filthmonger, you know!). Turned out I had a handful of blood.

That was one reeeeeeally satisfying scratch. Turned out I had scratched myself open to the elements. Call me Tony Scissorhands, or perhaps more appropriately, Tony Krueger.

Washing, and Germolene followed. Then d pronounced her verdict.
"That's going to keep you off the bike tomorrow," she said. I rationalised, but she was firm.

Perhaps, on reflection, it was a wise woman who said that thing about cutting your nails...