The Snickers Variety Shortfall

If you live in a land of freedom and opportunity, I'll tell you right now, this entry's not going ot make the slightest bit of sense to you.

If, in particular, you live in the United States of Wal-Mart, it's going to make no sense to you - and the reason is Choice.

I've banged, and indeed wittered on, many times before, about the amazing, unfathomable amount of choice people have in America. I'm fairly convinced in fact that in the land of maple bacon and apple sauce as a side dish (between you and me, the clue here is in the name - it's a sauce, that's why we don't call it apple side), there is no such thing that can be genuinely dismissed as a bad idea.

So in the candy aisle, in the US, variety is the norm. You can have normal Snickers bars, Almond Snickers bars, dark chocolate Snickers bars...I'm pretty much convinced in Maine, you can get a freakin' Lobster Snickers bar (Don't go "Ewww," you've seen Man V Food and Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, you know some guy has thought that up before me!), and no-one bats an eye.

Over here in the land of post-imperialist gloom, Choice is feared, if not actively loathed. So all hail the ad agency charged with introducing four potential new versions of the otherwise humble Chunky KitKat (yes, some people still think the Chunky KitKat itself is the work of the Devil, and won't have it in the house, for its blasphemy against the standard four-finger version). For a limited time only, the choice-psychos at Nestle have introduced variety to the world of the KitKat, with choc fudge, coconut, mint and hazlenut versions of the chocolate wafer housebrick.

I've been sick for these chunky bastards for weeks now. I don't really understand why. I've never tasted them, but there's something inherent in the "limited time" thing that actually triggers something like lust in my brain. "But...but...if I don't eat them, I may never get to experience a coconut KitKat...like, ever!" Again, there's very little that's rational about this, but it's a state of almost-panic. The thought of missing out on something like that...actually aches in my brain.

But so far, I've resisted these little demonic beauties.
Yesterday, we did a water shop at the local store, and I discovered the UK Snickers attempt at variety.
Now, for a limited time only, you can get normal peanut Snickers bars, Snickers with MORE NUTS...and Snickers with MORE CARAMEL.

Really? That's the best you can do? Seriously dudes, take a leaf out of the American book, cos those are the options that would come out of the laziest-ass boardroom discussion of your core product. Not even a SHITLOADS MORE CHOCOLATE option? You looked at a Snickers and thought "More nuts, or more caramel...that's it, who's for lunch?"

Choice, people - it'll set you free, and sell you a shitload more candy bars. Get with the century, and make me bitch!