Peeking Round The Doorframe of Obsession

We’re all fairly well-apprised of the notion that I’m something of an addictive personality (although somehow that always sounds like bragging...), but the occasional Monday gives me a peek into what might be called the next level of obsessive behaviour.

Most Mondays, being the only day on which I now have access to Starbucks, it tends to be all I take in with any particular food value. This, in case you hadn’t caught it, is why Tuesday’s readings now tend to be artificially positive. But the thing is this – when I started doing this is was mainly because I wanted to get as much Starbucks into my system as possible in the course of a day, and I knew what they calorifically ‘cost’, so it became a simple equation – more coffee, less food. Most coffee, no food.

Now, it’s become a normal part of my London Mondays, and I’m getting the endorphin-reward of ‘good’ behaviour for what is clearly not a genuinely healthy behaviour pattern. What I mean is – I feel healthier on Mondays, just drinking coffee, than I do on other days when the more complex mathematics of protein and carbohydrate and exercise come into play. My rational brain of course knows this is bullshit – Man shall not live by de-caff skinny latte alone and all that. But the sensation feels genuine, and it’s like peeking around the doorframe of a properly fucked-up-in-the-other-direction relationship with food (or ‘being a woman,’ as the more satirical of you might think of it). Getting the reward of feeling healthy and eating nothing with any solidity, it becomes genuinely tempting to continue doing this, day after day after day.

Fortunately of course, I’m saved from such experimental curiosity by being surrounded by people who love me, and are prepared to tell me not to be such a dick, and have a sandwich. Without them, I daresay, I’d keep going on the starvation diet principle, just to see what would happen. It all comes back to that faintly insidious quote from Kate Moss of course – “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. Still not sure how I feel about that quote, but just occasionally, on a Monday, it makes a kind of visceral sense that seems to beckon me on to unhealthy extremism.

Then Tuesday comes, and with it the inevitability of having to eat, and I go and get some bloody breakfast!

Blood was positive this morning – have meant to relay the fact that bloods have been high-ish in the last week – 6, 6.8, 6.5. This morning, it came in at 4.9. Does this mean anything? (Shrugs) Just there for the record-keeping really.

Tomorrow will be the 9^th week of borderland stagnation, in all probability. Might give the Rigiscan people a call...