I Am Compost-Boy!

Every carried a rotting compost heap around a city with you?
I have. For I am Compost-Boy, a super-villainous combination of human and steamy vegetable matter.

I've been eating salads since Friday. Since then, salads have become globally hazardous, we've lost a beloved family member, and the universe has flipped on its axis and started bitchslapping us with mom-death references.

What no-one thought about when I jumped suddenly into the world of fresh vegetation was the fact that basically, there's nothing to salads. Since starting this project, and particularly since the delight that is Xenical entered my life, it would be fair to say that I've never been short of...erm...bathroom action.

Until now. Since experiencing the wonder of salads, I've been bloated and farty pretty much constantly, but the Xenical has mostly been ignoring me because there appears to be no fat in any damn salads (Note to self - could this be why people schmear all kinds of dressings and crap all over them? Hmm...). So I feel like I'm growing, getting fatter not with blubber, but with marsh gas and a rotting compost heap sitting, growing in my colon.

So...that bodes well for tomorrow, no?

In fact, by this morning, d was telling me to get a sausage sandwich for breakfast, just to get some grease into my system and get some colonic irrigation going.

Nope, that didn't work either. Compost-Boy repels the grease of mortal sausages!!


So this evening, I'm taking a drug I swore I'd never take - the drug of 'ladies who lunch' - a stool softener, in an increasingly desperate attempt not to carry the compost to the weigh-in tomorrow. Because I'm getting that sad and obsessed - if I don't get rid of the compost before getting on the scales tomorrow, I won't, in the inner heart of me, really accept its verdict. I'll be full of whinging and bitching that "Yeah, but that's because..."

I know, I know...no-one signed on for this much information. Sorry, but I swore I'd tell the truth about this process, and saladacious constipation sucks all kinds of ass...Or not, clearly.

Incidentally, the blood was 5.0 this morning, which is pretty much perfect.

Perfect for a human compost heap...