"I really need to shower..." I said as I walked in, eyes shiny as if I'd just invented the concept of standing under water and applying soap to the body.
"Cool," said d, undoubtedly somewhat relieved.
When a guy doesn't shower for the best part of a week, there are any number of possible explanations. 1) a pathological dislike of cleanliness, 2) a desire to develop a lice farm, 3) a radical busyness...
Without getting out my violin, andother possible explanation suggested by the psychologically-minded is some form of depression.
I had to shower, and then I had to sit down with d, and tell her what I'm about to tell you...before I told you what I'm about to tell you.
It breaks down like this.
Last night's blog was a lie.
In fact, it was a lie representing a week of bigger lies.
I haven't just been feeling the urge to binge. I've been binging. Proper binging. I'm not gonna take you through it all - that element of last night's blog was pretty much true, and covered it. You lie, you force-feed, you lie some more. Most significantly, I've been going to the local fish and chip shop every day for lunch.
I've been entirely unable to not do this since, if I recall...last Friday. Which of course didn't help with the weight, the guilt, or the feeling of utter hopelessness and failure. But neither did any of those things empower me to stop doing the same thing the next day. That, of course, is the point of addiction - you're not in control of a goddamnedsonofabitch thing.
Today, got a text from my mate Brenda. She was so sweet, offering to help me lighten the load she'd sensed in previous blogs, and go walking with me next Monday if I was in the office. Sadly, I'm not, cos I'd love to do that, but this week I'm in on Wednesday for an AGM. Full tilt stuff.
Thing is, it was not only sweet, it made something clear to me. I was out of control. And I could do nothing about it. I wondered, actually, what I'd tell her if we talked it through. Hell, at that point, I was lying to everybody about what I'd done and what I hadn't. It's entirely likely I'd have told her only what I told you all last night - that I was feeling the urge to binge. So - lying to friends. Check. Can I remind you, this is what addiction is ABOUT. It reduces you from your normal, allegedly principled self, into a creature of pure instinct. Pure despicable instinct. So - sorry about that - to all of you.
Thing is - that wasn't a blinding flash of light moment. Went right ahead at lunchtime today, back to the chip shop.
Tonight, went out to see Spider-Man with Lee and his nephew, Orlando (cool kid, freakin' awesome name...which might be even cooler if he wasn't young enough to be named after Orlando Bloom).
Spider-Man has been a hero of mine since I was about five. I've spent at least one birthday since d came over laying in bed watching the entire "1967" series of Spider-Man cartoons. I'm a bit of a geek...in case you missed that.
The new movie...interesting. Andrew Garfield doesn't look like Peter Parker to me, but it's a well-written movie, so he sounds like the Spider-Man of old...
I'd like to tell you that was why I had a flash of lightning moment - y'know, power, responsibility, the struggle of the bad guy to be a good person not an out-of-control animal...yadda yadda yadda...
None of that's true either.
Walked out of the movie theatre, got a text from d. Walked three paces and BAM-
A chunk of hardass fell back into my brain. And that was it. The addiction fell away again, just like that. And Mr Hardass is back.
I have no control over THIS either. I have no idea why I fell so radically off the wagon, burned it to the ground and pissed on the ashes. And no idea why the Hardass fell back in my brain three paces outside the movie theatre tonight. Which means of course it might happen again, without warning.
Thing is, this is the first time I've ever realised what was happening, during and after the event. So here's hoping I'll have a bit more sense next time, tell d immediately, and the rest of you shortly afterwards, and maybe, just maybe, it'll prompt the Hardass back into me quicker.
Hell, what do I know, maybe it won't. But anyway, lies notwithstanding, the Hardass is back in the house. Let's lock this thing down again.
"I miss my skinny guy," said d when I'd told her all this.
"Yeah," I agreed. "Me too. He'll be back soon."
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