Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Weights And Measures


d and I were both reading our separate books tonight – she a classic Mills and Boon, for research on a writing project she’s involved in, me, Homer's Iliad, because sometimes, there’s just not enough bloodshed and slaughter in my metropolitan life. Especially on craving days.
“Y’know,” she said, without looking up, “for every ten pounds you lose, it’s supposed to be worth an inch...elsewhere.”
 “An inch?” I asked, distractedly, as Achilles pissed about nursing his hurt feelings and not helping out. “You mean like an inch of flab around the midriff dear?”
“Nono,” she said, still with her nose in Cinderella In Mink. “I mean elsewhere.”
Achilles stopped moaning about his hurt feelings in a great big freaking hurry. He looked up and blinked at me, shrugging.
“You mean...?”
“I’m just saying,” she said. “If you need an incentive...”
I did the maths. Over the course of this experiment, I’m intending to lose 104 pounds. That’s near-as –dammit ten and a half extra inches of Elsewhere. I'll apparently already have added three solid inches of Elsewhere. I blinked back at Achilles. He studied his feet. I wanted to mention the whole heel thing, but I was a bit distracted.
“I’ve never had that much Elsewhere dear. I mean, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen it, but I’m pretty sure there was never-”
She shrugged.
“I think it’s a sensation thing,” she explained.
I considered this. Achilles shrugged at me again. Clearly, while he might be an arse-kicking semi-divine warrior dudes, he had no information to offer on this subject.
I sniffed.
“I reckon it’s a desperate housewives’ tale, put about to make husbands feel the burn so the wives don’t resort to Enrique the Houseboy,” I muttered.
We both went back to our respective reading. Achilles slid his sword smoothly into its scabbard. He coughed. A minute passed in peaceful quiet between us, then
“I’m just checking,” said d, turning a page with a languid thumb. “We don’t happen to have a Houseboy, do we?”

I put down the Iliad, and got on the bike...

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for the giggle here the nearest I could come up with for a retort regarding the houseboy for you was this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hc36nIKkFDw featuring a mutual friend, the old guy is Enrico the Pool boy, so you might just have something to point out to D, I know she will give me a clip next time I see you guys but hey! It's worth it for the giggle!

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