A Walk In The Park

One of these days, I'll learn to stop making predictions. Decided to go out for a walk last night, because I was feeling sluggish and heavy. We got about a hundred yards across the park opposite our house (Machete Park as we think of it, for reasons of depressing accuracy), when I had to stop, and press a hand against my left breast. La Cucaracha was playing lustily under my skin. We had to turn around and come home, so I could lay down with my feet in the air and focus on my breathing.

This has really depressed me, if I'm honest. I cut out the caffeine - one more bloody thing I don't any longer do that I really want to - because everybody figured that was the triggering factor of the tachycardia. Now what? What bloody more lies in store? More pills? Some weird techie gadget sewn into my chest, the second step of my cyberisation, after the stainless steel ankle? More to the point, it feels like 'something, somewhere really wants me to fail' - though I know that's not the case. Nothing cares if I succeed or fail except you lot. It's just the accumulation of things - I try and walk, I get blisters, try and cycle, I get thigh-rot and break the bike. Try to walk again and wallop, the heart acts up again...What's to do now except starvation?

Just depresses me, and again, it's tempting to feel the thrum of failure on the clouds. Of course, d pointed out the truth to me - the truth I've said myself plenty of times; I don't really know I'm born during this experiment, compared to people like my pal Mae...or come to that, my pal Sally-Anne, or even my mother. They all have it harder than me for one reason or another, so what am I bitching about?

She's right of course, but still...this thing was supposed to be hard, but it wasn't supposed to be this ridiculous cycle of what-the-Hell-now, surely? Still haven't opened the dumb-bells we bought a while ago, but now am kinda scared to do so - will probably twang a tendon or something, ending up looking like a bloody orang-utan. Gonna try the 'going outside' thing again in a bit, just to give the finger to the tachycardia and try and regain some of the positivity that should surely accompany a long weekend. Thing is, I'm fairly sure at this point that Tuesday will bring another slip-back, to the point of accumulating the pounds I should have lost by now...and it feels like they're almost as many as the pounds I have lost.

Goddamnsonofabitchin'bastard....must shake this off, or I'll swan dive into an ice-cream parlour. Right - time for another walk in the park, so there...

...Maybe...