Crime and Punishment

Have you ever wondered why it is that so many of the products specifically designed to help people on diets taste...just...awful? It’s like flavour is actually bad for you or something. Either that, or diet products are made by paranoid thin fucks who actually want to inflict pain and suffering on their chubby neighbours in society, for the crime of being wobblebottoms.

I was forced to reflect on this while picking Ryvita out of my teeth this morning. I mean, seriously – a product that has the texture of communion wafers and tastes like farts – why?

Not that I’m singling Ryvita out for special loathing, you understand. Rice cakes? Seriously? They have exactly the same texture as polystyrene ceiling tiles (and yes, I’ve checked for comparison!) but only half the taste. Shredded Wheat? Like eating a haystack – and let’s not forget, I’m a cereal fiend, but that’s where I draw the line. No added salt, no added sugar, right enough. No added taste either though, unfortunately.

And then there’s the stuff which sells itself as healthy, and yet is edible – Bran Flakes, Special K, Jordans’ Crunch...all of which, when you read the labels, you discover actually contain shedloads of sugar...which explains that. Muesli of course comes in two forms – the edible, and the not. The edible kind, likewise, comes pre-loaded with all the sugar you could possibly want, while the non-edible resembles the kind of stuff that even Mr Ed would turn his nose up at. Between you and me, I’m fairly sure that ‘Muesli’ is actually the Swedish word for ‘sawdust’.

So, seriously, what’s going on here? It’s like diet-friendly foods either come pre-loaded with levels of sugar that lull you into a false sense of security and progress, or are almost custom-designed to only be edible if you slather them with the kind of stuff you’re supposed to be avoiding in the first place! I think it’s a cunning plot by the likes of Weight Watchers to prove to fat fucks that even if they do ‘the right thing’ they can’t achieve meaningful weight loss on their own, and so need the guidance of condescending women in beige.

(Shrugs)

I didn’t say it was a theory based on any kind of verifiable fact, but hey, it’s a conspiracy theory, it doesn’t need facts.

Sigh...Goddammit I’m hungry. Pass the bloody Ryvita, will you...?