The Fuckwit Farewell

Soooo y'know my last entry said "Hoorah, got some Xenical prescribed, the weightloss starts here!" or words to that effect?

Yyyyyeah, since then, have yet to get the pills, and have been eating like a sugar-crazed maniac and doing precisely no exercise. It's that principle which I know is insane, which every fat person knows is insane - "I'm quitting soon, and I won't be able to do this. Better do it twice as hard now, while I can!" It's the reason why diets that start on Mondays are preceded by a weekend binge. It's the reason why alcoholics go on a week-long bender if they happen to know they're about to get checked in to rehab. It's the sense of missing a lifestyle that's killing you, even before it's gone, and essentially snogging the face off it while you can.

It is of course, insane. I'd be surprised if I'm less than 19st 7 tomorrow - yes, for those keeping score, that's worse than a few weekes ago when I started all this again. My only real hope is to wake up in the morning and doing something - walking, biking, whatever, just something, to make me start the day off right and stop me careening round my own life like a pinball. d has rather sportingly promised to kick my ass out of bed at ugh o'clock, precisely so I do something.

I did go for the pills this morning, only to be told that the pharmacy didn't have any in stock - I had to be back for a phone meeting or I'd have waited at the second pharmacy where the wall of backs proclaimed to all who coughed and ahemed for attention, "I see no scumbags, needing their scumbag meds."

Tomorrow, I begin what d calls a "commitment". I do something. This has long past the point where I can say "This is getting silly" and not be met with a scornful, eyebrow-raised sneer. This has been silly. It has pased through silly, back into stupid. It dallied a while in stupid before pushing on to fucking stupid, and now I find myself back in the distinctly dark and dingy neighbourhood of practically suicide by food. Again the question needs to be asked: am I stronger than my desire to self-destruct?

Let's find out.