The S' Plan Diet and the Chipmunk Mentality

When I started this (all of, y'know, two weeks ago), I said I was gonna try everything possible to avoid the surgery. Clearly, this is nonsense. Things I'm not going to do:
The Mark Addy, Wrap-Yourself-In-Cling-Film solution from The Full Monty. If I wanted to to be laminated, I'd feed myself into the machine at work.
Joining A Club. Unless it absolutely needs to come to it, I'm not going to be the only guy in some group of women talking about calorie values and how celery has fewer calories in it than you expend eating the stuff and yadda yadda yadda. Can't really get into a group hug situation cos someone's lost a pound. To paraphrase Peter Kay - "I shit a pound!" So unless I get desperate, this is just me, the people around me, the flab and the folly.
Drugs. d says there's only one drug she ever misses, and that's speed. Because speed is good for diets. Kicks your metabolism into high gear (hence "speed"!) and helps you burn fat faster. But it's time for another confession - I'm a pussy when it comes to drugs. Always have been, probably always will be. So diet drugs are just not for me.

Although...having said that...
Yesterday, as I said, I was out from quite early till quite late, and ate two meals while I was out. Sadly, because I was out early, and didn't take my rucksack, I also ended up without my diabetic meds. So when I got in at about 8.30, I took all six of my diabetic pills. At once.

Ahem.

I think it was Billy Connolly who first introduced the world to the concept of the S' Plan Diet - otherwise known as the 'Shit Yourself Thin' approach to weightloss. Well I'm here to tell you, if you take a daysworth of diabetic meds, then go to sleep...you wake up with an urgent awareness that you're about to weigh a great deal less, very very soon.

I thought my intestines had stopped talking to my stomach this morning. There was noise and danger, and then I turned largely into liquid.

Sooo that was a good start. And I have to admit, even though I felt like...well, you know what I felt like...when I was done, there was a nasty, insidious thought at the back of my head going "Oooh...that could be handy come Mondays, to skew the results on Tuesday mornings..."

Can't help it - I appear to be self-programmed to find a schemey, scammy way around things. Again, it's probably my inner journalist asserting its instincts. So that was the start of the day.

Now - in an attempt to jumpstart my metabolism without resorting to serious drugs, d has devised a kind of trail mix for me; nuts, dried fruit - all good stuff. The thing is, while I'm all over the whole perspex-boxy kind of self-discipline, where I don't go near things that are out of bounds...if you give me a BIG box of something healthy, and tell me it has to last the week, I'll sit there doing my work, nibbling and picking like a freaking chipmunk. I saw myself today. I'd dip in, take a couple of nibbles, trype a few sentences, take a couple of nibbles, do another few sentences, nibble some more. Then - and this is the sick thing - I'd think "Wow, that was quite a bit of nibbling" and put the lid back on the tupperware box, and lock down all four sides of it. Then I'd type a couple of sentences, open up all four sides, take a handful of nibbles, do some more work and...

So I seem to have eaten about half a week's trail mix in the space of a day. I'm sensing a flaw in the plan here. d says she's going to send me to work with tiny, pill-box sized tupperwares in future, with three raisins and an almond in each. That might actually work.

So - Tuesday morning tomorrow, and my second weigh in. It's not looking good for any kind of weight loss, I have to tell you.

Erm...

Anyone know where I can score some speed?

Fine. Bastards. If you need me, I'll be out in the kitchen, fighting with the Cling Film...