The Mayonnaise Minefield

I hate mayonnaise more than most things in life. Mayonnaise, to me, is the stuff that Satan scrapes off the inside of his posing pouch after a hard day's priest-roasting. It's the worst idea to hit gastronomy...I think, ever. And bear in mind, that's a field that includes the invention of popcorn chicken and the deep fried Mars bar.

What's worse, I'm in an incredible minority on this. Most people - including you, I know - will look at the invective I spill about mayonnaise and go 'Jesus Tony, it's just an emulsion, lighten up, what has mayo ever done to you?"

I'll tell you, shall I?

It's everywhere. And the cultural assumption is that everything tastes better with mayo, so most of the time, it's not even advertised as being in the things they put it in. In restaurants, I've now been married to an American long enough to send things back without feeling waves of cringing consumer-guilt (In Britain, the customer's not only always wrong, but is always, also, scum). But it's in pre-packaged foods that the thing reaches new peaks of insanity. I only mention this because d very kindly made me a gorgeous and entirely edible gammon sandwich for lunch today, but for sundry reasons I won't bore you with, my lunchtime plans changed, and I had to trek out to Oxford Street and back. So I thought I'd buy myself a pre-packaged sandwich to eat on the run.

Not one...NOT ONE sandwich in any of three stores...contained no mayo. Now I know what you're thinking - oh well, that's just the type of thing people normally put in sandwiches...right?

Well then explain to me what Earthly place the wretched gloopy stuff has in a TURKEY AND STUFFING sandwich! Seriously, these are two things which under no rational circumstances should need the addition of an eggy, oily goo. Truly, the world has got mayo on the brain...

Not that I'd ever claim to be easy to please, culinarily speaking. Just so you get an appreciation of how tricky this whole 'healthy eating' thing is from my point of view, here are some other pet peeves of mine.

Lettuce - It's like chewing wet rubber, and about as satisfying.
Prawns - What happens when a cockroach and a lobster love each other very much.
Melon and Cucumber - Make my mouth come up in pustules.
Blue Cheese - What happens when mould gets delusions of grandeur.
Walnuts - Essentially a testicle in a nutshell.
Pate - Admittedly, probably the only reason any sanely ordered universe would allow geese to survive. Still not really reason enough.
Oysters - Anything that looks like you've sneezed and tastes like seawater is just begging to be ignored.
Any dressing that looks like sour cream, but isn't - Is pretty much like eating a sniper.
Offal - There is no good reason to eat the innards of animals if you can afford the flesh that used to keep them inside. Not being able to afford flesh is a reason to go vegetarian, not a reason to eat organs.
Black Pudding (or blood sausage) - It's blood and fat. Any questions?
Things dragged up from the darker recesses of the ocean and presented under the misleading misnomer - "fish".
Salmon - Clearly IS a fish, but that's no excuse.
Tuna - Likewise.

You can probably see one of the main reasons I grew to love carbs as much as I did - because, clearly, according to my tastebuds, salads are the food of damned souls in Hell, and there's no good reason to go anywhere near them while there are other, tastier things to eat. So c'mon people, gimme some sandwich leeway here - I want to be good, quit making it so difficult!