The Boredom Sparks

The Boredom Sparks are everywhere. They must be squished.

Yesterday's entry may have been taken in slightly the wrong context, I think. Some people seemed to think that choosing a place with fewer temptations for the discerning Disappearer would lessen the likelihood of my weakening and eating things I shouldn't eat. d was also slightly worried that people who didn't get us might view her as some sort of Salome, doing the dance of the seven shakes to tempt me from the path of Disappearing Righteousness or somesuch.

I can see how people might have thought either thing, but both ideas actually miss the point.

For me, the worst possible thing about Disappearing would be getting the sense that people were altering their behaviours in ways that made them less happy simply so as not to introduce me to temptation. I'm sure people do this anyway, but I certainly don't want them to. I don't in any way want to bring people's enjoyment down simply by not being able to partake of the same enjoyment as them, or with them. How much of a downer would that make you feel?

So I've always said to anyone I'm with that they should have whatever they like while I'm with them - most of all d. And because she understands the reasoning, and she trusts me, I think she does just that.

Likewise with the choice of place - certainly if there was nothing I could eat there, I'd volunteer a different spot, but otherwise, as far as I personally am concerned, I'm not about to simply avoid places where 'temptation' is - that's not any kind of test of will, merely a test of geographical knowledge. The test of whether you're a 'recovering' alcoholic is not whether you avoid bars like the plague. The test that proves you're recovering is going with your mates into a bar, watching them get drunk, and having a good time without having a drink yourself.

The idea of there being a similarity between alcoholism and whatever it is that fuels Disappearers like me to eat in a way that harms our health has been criticised in plenty of places - notably by recovering alcoholics, but the urge is the same. The need is the same. The cycle of behaviour seems the same, only alcohol has a tendency to be more rapidly incapacitating.

So I need to go places where there's plenty of 'temptation' and not give into it, in order to really be sure that I can cope with days like today.

I'll pause here so you can roll your eyes and say 'For God's sake, what's today's drama?'

Today's drama is no drama at all. Today I've been at home, all day, on my own. I work from home, and I'm not going to lie to you - it's bloody great. But in terms of Disappearing, or indeed in terms of Getting Shit Done, it all depends on discipline. I'm here, on my own, all day, with my white walls, and my computers and my lists of stuff to do, near the centre of a town with cafes, supermarkets, take-out joints - you name it, I've got it on my doorstep. And all it takes is that one little boredom spark to say 'Oooh, could just go for some ice cream right about now.' Or 'Mmm, fish and chips - just a few hundred paces away...'

Many - ohhhh, so many - is the time I've obeyed the boredom spark and gone off to buy, say, a a fish fry lunch, or something equally stupid for me. The point of Disappearing though is discipline. You're never going to stop those boredom sparks flaring, showing you a short-term future where you're doing something pleasurable, and you're not bored - where your senses are aroused and your hands and your mouth and your mind are busy. They're probably part of an evolutionary system to avoid stagnation or something. But what you can do is build the discipline to say 'Yeah, could do that. Or, y'know...could not. Yeah, let's not,' and move on to the next thought. Without the willpower, which you either have naturally by virtue of being a Stubborn Bastard or can build by continually overcoming moments of temptaion, those boredom sparks can quickly become flames that burn your intentions to ashes.

So that's why I need to still go and enjoy places where all the temptations in the Disappearing world are laid out for me, and that's why I need peope to still eat their normal way around me - as my friend Lori said yesterday, I need to real excuse to do stupid things when left to my own devices. In fact, I will actively seek out stupid things to do if left to my own ungoverned devices. The government of those urges is solely down to me, because the effect of those urges is likewise an impact only on me. If I can't control myself in those places  of joyful, wonderous temptation, and I need those people closest to me to tiptoe around and pretend they don't want what they want so that I won't crumble, I stand absolutely no chance when left on my own, when the boredom sparks flicker in my head.