The Force of Nature Revelation

Did I mention I'm having a little difficulty realising I'm supposed to be Disappearing again?

Today's a perfect example of that.

Woke at 5.40, five minutes before the alarm was set to shock the bejeesus out of me. Went with Ma, and my Aunt and Uncle, to the Royal Glamorgan hospital. Long story short, stayed there till 4pm, during which time, Ma went under the knife, went ever so lightly blue with dye, and came out the other side, smiling and high on Morphine. She comes home tomorrow morning.

I spent the day in what amounted to a Starbucks attached to a hospital, writing. Man, but that is the life. Y'know, minus the hospital and the worry and the needle and the knives and all that.

Thing is, I ended up not eating all day, just drinking coffee. Which is why when I weighed in at 6AM, I weighed 18 stone 3.25, and when I weighed when I came home, I weighed just 18 stone 1.

Then we had Chinese for dinner.

So that would be another failed day of Disappearing, then.

Thing is: I was thinking about all this, and how much I suck, when up popped my pal Rebecca.
She wanted a bit of advice, which I gave her, and then asked about Ma, so I filled her in.
"Amazing woman, your Ma," she commented.
"Force of freakin' nature," I agreed.

And something in my head went CLICK.

My mother, as anyone who knows her will tell you, IS, a force of nature.
My father - and, with a nod of the purest respect to my Dad, here, I mean my bio-father - was a force of freakin' nature too.

So what the hell am I?
"A force of nature?" asked Rebecca, with her virtual head on the side in amused doubt.
"Maybe," I said. "Maybe not, but maybe a force of stubborn bastardy?"

See - I've been having difficulty getting my Disappearing Discipline on. Except if we're gonna face some facts here, that's bullshit. I haven't been "having difficulty," I've been wallowing in pleasure, and not committing.
What happens if I commit? What happens if I decide to turn my stubborn assery RIGHT the hell on?
Well, we know what happens, don't we boys and girls? We've seen it. It was Year One of the Disappearing Man, when I lost nigh on six stone.

Disappearance Engine - FREAKIN' ENGAGED!!!
That is all. That is done. I want to be awesome. I want to strip away the weight, the dust, the bulk of sloth and consequence, and I want to emerge again. I want that...very badly.