Blood this morning - 5.5. Hopefully, I'm not entirely delusional in drawing positive conclusions about getting back under better control from that.
Strode off up the hill to do my walk this morning. Got as far as Thomastown (essentially up the first big hill - like the song nearly said, the first hill is the steepest...) when there was a momentarily blinding flash of white. Three long seconds later there was a noise like a building blowing up. It was a cloudburst, a thundercrack that reaches right down into your bowels and squeezes. I turned straight round and walked back down the hill. I had almost reached the flat when I got a text from d.
"Dude, come home! Walk at lunchtime!" she advised. See? d and I, we're like that (does complicated finger-twining thing).
Sat on my bike and pedalled for a sweaty hour. Breakfast - paid for.
Lunchtime, did as I'd planned, did my six-mile walk down the Taff Trail and back. Lunch - paid for.
Now we're thinking about going out for dinner, after which, I'll do another hour of biking, in the hope of throwing some calorie-burn at whatever we have.
Just seen a fantastic TV ad. For Special K, of all things - a cereal that in my jaundiced view hasn't been the same since the 1970s. It's a premise that will appeal to every Disappearer, everywhere - simple and self-motivating.
Scales that, instead of telling you what you've lost, shows you what you have to gain. You step on, and get results like:
"Joy"
"Feeling Amazing"
"Looking Great"
"Living Longer" and the like.
I want scales like that! Scales of Positivity. Of course, I suppose technically, all scales can be Scales of Positivity, if you're going in the right direction. I guess what the advert doesn't show is the result of you going in the wrong direction. In that instance - presumably if you stop buying Special K! - what do the advert's scales show then?
"Depression"?
"Ugly Fuck"?
"Never Getting Laid Again"?
"Heart Exploding"?
I guess ultimately, scales are tools - they only show you the results your efforts warrant. In which connection, a happy shout-out to my pal Mae, whose Nazi Scales show her having lost 6 pounds this week. I'm thinking her Nazi Scales are feeling pretty pleased with her right now.
ADDENDUM.
Bugger. went up to bike in advance of tonight's dinner - which is going to be pizza. Burned all of 60 calories before I couldn't go on - discovered I have a blister on each foot. Rather than, as I would have in more mental days, ignoring it and ploughing on, I got off, whacked a couple of blister plasters on and put me feet up.
"That's you off the walking for a good few days, Mister," said d.
"Yyyyyeah," I agreed. "That sucks."
"Yep, but there it is," she said.
"Well, I figure I've got the blister plasters on them now, and I'm resting them tonight, should be able to do a few biking sessions with them tomorrow...right?"
She narrowed her eyes at me, kindly.
"You're going into 'Mental Mode' again, aren't you?" she said.
"Well, I mean..."
"You're starting that zoning thing again," she explained. I can see the signs, baby - you're going rigid, you're starting to think in equivalencies - 'I can only eat if I exercise!!' You can't live like that. I'm not gonna live like that.
And I love you to much to let you go mad like that."
She kissed me softly, stopping me from pointing out that all the available evidence seems to suggest that I'm going to be mad, one way or the other - rigid and neurotic or ungovernable and flamboyantly fat. And yes, I do realise that the power to walk the line between these two states is actually in the moment of my own choosing, but as I've mentioned here and there before...my brain doesn't work like that. It's become abundantly clear over the last year and a half that it's the brain of an addict, and the Disappearing, for me, is not just a process of self-improvemtn. It's a replacement addiction.
Had our pizza, and I took the garbage out and down to the garbage room. As I was heading back up, my brain flashed an image at me, of lunch tomorrow - chip shop chips and giant evil sausages...
Because one way or another, that seems to be the way my brain works. I'll have to wake up in the morning and remind myself - hopefully with a biking session, but we'll see - that I'm not in the free-for-all zone after all, but still Disappearing. Clearly, the Strategy Paper will need some additional tweaking over the next few days. Let's see what kind of path can be driven between Wanton Mode and Mental Mode, shall we?
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