Jumping The Domino

Errrr.....yyyyeah...so it's Monday. Pretty much...big deal at the moment. Been crazy all day on the day job, with not very much time to think about the whole Disappearing lark at all. This, in case you're wondering, is the Domino Effect - s'gonna be like this for at least most of this week. The weird thing is that caring about the weight and the eating and the exercise has pretty much been pushed into a corner of my brain and forgotten about for a bit - Will still do the normal 'good' things I've been doing, but in terms of neurosis and addiction and all that cobblers, at the moment, I just don't have the brain-space.

I could tell you all about all this, but I figure that's not really what you're here for. Tell you what though, I did spot myself indulging in the most ridiculous bit of male vanity this morning on the tube. I was standing up for quite a bit of the journey into work, and caught sight of my reflection in the window. Before I knew what I was doing, I turned a bit sideways. Then I breathed in. And then, just to crown the moment of testosterone-fuelled fuckwitteery, I clenched my butt. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was checking myself out in the window!
"Wow," I thought. "Look at that...I look almost normal..."

Now this of course is horse-shit, based on contextual information. I don't look "normal" to most casual observers at all. I still look like a bloke who's about 6.5 stone overweight (or 91 pounds overweight, if you're American). Clearly - much work remains to be done. But to me, in the context of having come from 20.5 stone, I look "normal" to myself - comfortable and lived in, certainly, but less ramshackle and condemnable.

I guess this is because I haven't been this light since records began, and so I feel almost entirely comfortable here. Of course, the danger of feeling comfortable and content, added to the fact of having no real time to obsess over the business of Disappearing, is that it almost convinces you that you're done. That you've done enough, and can 'get on' with the business of living now, thanks very much and see ya later.

I'm never normally one to worry about what other people think (you can't be, really, if you want to survive on a daily basis as a fat fuck), but it's at times like this that a healthy dose of 'other people's perspective' can be really useful. Because however comfortable I might feel, I am of course still about 6.5 stone over my 'ideal' weight - though I daresay there'll be more ranting about this idea of idealism at some point later in the process. And so, by remembering that other people still see a bloke significantly overweight, it sort of helps refocus the brain on the business of Disappearing. And I will of course - you probably know me well enough by now to understand that much about my bastard-stubbornness - but in the meantime, you'll have to excuse me - this is me, tap-dancing on a toppling domino, trying to judge exxxactly the right moment to jump to the next one...

Annnndddddd -
Uppppsaddaisy!