5th January - Darkness Falls

"Errrr...honey?"
"Yeah?"
"One thing we forgot," I said. I held out my swimming shorts from my body.

My 20-stone swimming shorts.
"Ah," said d, seeing the chasm between cloth and body. "Well...there's a photo for the blog."
"Yyyyeah..."

We were staying at the St David's Hotel and Spa, and it was the night of the 4th. We'd battled through ridiculous wind and icy drizzle to get there. Then we stopped battling and got a cab, cos...well, battling was just silly. Signed in, got into our room, d went crazy for the flowers I'd arranged (Oh yeah, Ladeez - old skool!), we revelled in our balcony, mainly from indoors cos of the aforementioned ridiculous wind and icy drizzle, then decided to hit the pool-cum-jacuzzi.

"Wow," she said, coming over and quite literally yanking my string. I yelped, as the corsetry-effect kicked in.
"Why Mammy, you're no fun at all!" I whimpered, as she tied me in to my shorts, before going back to pulling on her fabulously-gorgeous red Baywatch swimsuit. I pondered my weirdly flab-hourglass shape, then tried an experiment - I shook and shimmied as though I had rhythm. My tight-tied swimming shorts gave up the ghost and shimmied their way to my ankles.
"Damn," I said, pulling them back up. d helped me re-tie them up around my heart, so I looked at least twice the numpty I had before, but they didn't dare shimmy when I shimmied. We hit the jacuzzi.

Fab. Just fab. Managed to do a few laps of actual swimming inbetween sitting on my ass getting bubbled within an inch of my life, and tried out the sauna. Me liiiiike.

*

"Ah, dammit!" I whinged, having bumped into a wardrobe in the dark.

"What's the matter?" asked d from the bathroom.

"Too damn dark in this room," I muttered. "Dunno where anything is...bumped my hip on the wardrobe!"

"Ah, ya big wuss," she called, alluringly. "You can always open the closet door - the little light comes on!"

I opened it. It did. It was like looking into a fridge, except more wooden. And empty. And somehow hope-sucking, but anyway...

"Oh yeah," I said. I stared at the illuminated innards of the wardrobe for a few seconds. What I was waiting for, I'm not sure. The opening of the service entrance to Narnia, possibly. I closed the door and the light went out. I shrugged in the dark and got under the covers of the enormo-bed that we'd paid for.

d came out of the bathroom. Took three steps.

"GODDAMMNsonofa-!" she yelped. Normally, I'd have known it was serious by the fact that she went ultra-sonic on the word "bitch!" but I couldn't help but laugh.

"Dark, isn't it, dear?" I muttered dryly.

She didn't answer me.

"Oh oh," I said.

"....Eeeeeeeeeeoooooowwwww!" said d, descending back into audibility. I rolled out of bed, and hit the light switch. 

"Oh Jeez..." I said, looking at d's foot, gripped between her hands. It looked like she'd torn her toenail off at the root.

"Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-" she nodded, the pain making her incoherent for a few moments.

"Need...ice..." she said when she could trust her voice. "And...bandages," - which, for the Brits among you, meant plasters.

Never wonder whether the Girl Scouts are worth their training. Even through the pain, my girl MacGuyvered herself an ice pack from a tea towel, some ice from a bucket, a self-sealing plastic bag, and a big towel. By which time, it was two minutes past midnight.

Through the snot of her lurgi and the pain in her foot, d looked like a sorry article. I kissed her.

"Happy birthday, baby..."

She smiled a little. 

Then she turned out the light.